"just, like, be bold."

cynical claustrophobic rant

I’ve always sort of attracted crazies. Some days this is significantly more apparent than others. I would like to explain this to you. Today. In this moment. I’d like to share with you this particular day. Please note that the clock has not even reached evening hours yet. 

10:37am. Coffee shop. 

While I’m scrambling to finish some Swahili homework on the back deck of a local coffee shop, a woman approaches me. First of all, (and this is just a general statement) 70 percent of the time I have earbuds in my ears. I can’t hear a damn thing you’re saying. I pay for them to be like that. Word of advice, when you would like to approach someone with earbuds in- let’s make it a social norm that you must get within their eye sight, and then gently tap them on the shoulder, arm.. whatever. Don’t stand there, staring, repeating yourself louder and louder until they hear you. I can’t tell if you’re in a panic because you’ve lost a small child or if you just want my attention. But that’s besides the point. So, this woman approaches me. Her method was to yell, “Excuse me” from five feet away over and over, louder and louder until I start to get concerned and answer, 

“Yes?” 

“I’m sorry, but I’m Janice.” 

“Hi Janice.” 

“Am I supposed to meet you?”

“Nope.”

“Okay. But, are you sure?”

“I’m sorry?”

“Do you think that I was supposed to meet you?”

“No, Janice. I don’t think so.”

“Well, okay. Well.. good.”

..and she walks away. Guys, what the hell was that? WHAT WAS THAT! Well, whatever it was I shrugged it off. I’ll leave that one up to the Missed Connection gods to sort out with Janice. And whoever she thought she was supposed to meet today.

AND WHAT THE HELL? Why ‘good’, Janice?

Anyways.

11:52PM. Bus.

The bus is probably the most awkward location in the world. Any small, public, space really. However. THE BUS. We just kind of assume (hope) that everyone is of sound mind.  I have seen it all. I’ve had/overheard some pretty awkward exchanges on the bus. I won’t even get into the man who tried handing out brownies that he had stored in a hospital bathroom basin bowl. 

I suppose there is a science to where choose to sit. You can choose to face somebody, or choose to sit next to someone. I guess it’s my fault for being the person that chooses to face someone. That ultimately just stems from the fact that I have no sense of balance or grace. & when I enter the bus, those seats are the closest bet to safety before that big, insistent, jolt of acceleration. 

There I am this morning, in my facing seat. Again, you assume you’re surrounded by people of sound mind. So when you make accidental eye contact with someone- IT’S NOT THAT BIG OF A DEAL. RIGHT? Wrong. I’m sitting there, hugging onto my book bag, sunglasses on, earbuds in, when I look up. This man was looking right at me. When he notices that I’m looking in his direction he begins moving his lips. (I mentioned I have my earbuds in & am absolutely deaf to anything but whatever is streaming through those puppies) The guy starts singing, guys. He was one ear hold away from doing his best Britney Spears impression. LOOKING RIGHT AT ME. I’m so alarmed that I remove an earbud. (just one, let’s keep it safe here people..) Oh shit. It’s worse. He’s lip synching. I don’t know what he’s singing. He’s looking right at me. I can’t deal with this. My body wants to sweat, cry, scream, and jump out the bus door. I literally hide my face with my book bag & wish had worn my red slippers to click together. 

3:02PM. Different Coffee Shop. (It’s a busy time in the semester, people. I got work to do— which is obviously why I’m actually taking the time to write this out.) Quit judging. 

I’m some what of a regular at this particular coffee shop, at this specific time. You begin seeing the same people. There is a very smiley, warm, inviting, gentleman that a friend and I have declared, “Snotty Mc. Snotterson”. If you have a weak stomach, close your eyes for the next few sentences. This man is clearly not from America. I gather that much. But that does not give him the right to blow his nose INTO HIS BARE HAND & then slap it onto the floor! NO NO NO. There is no such thing as a five second rule, guys! 

Anyway, it’s hard to forget a face like that. As usual he was seated near me today. As I was getting settled in, a receipt fell out of my wallet and was heading for the floor. I looked at him, I looked at my receipt falling mid-air and I DOVE FOR IT. That sucker was not going to hit the once snotted on floor. Obviously, I look like a fucking idiot. I’m feeling embarrassed, maybe a little (too) defensive. But Snots laughs at me! He proceeds:

“Woo! Is dat yo boyfran numba?” (Quick little shit.)

“Yes. Yes sir. My boyfriend’s name happens to be on a receipt for Vodka Soda from Bryant Lake Bowl. Clearly.” 

“So you have no boyfran?”

“Hmph.” 

(Who is testing me, today? Where is Ashton?) 

3:46PM I HAVEN’T MOVED ONE BIT. 

I kid you not. I’m still sitting right next to Snotty Mc. Snotterson. He’s probably still laughing at me. (BUT I WOULDN’T KNOW BECAUSE I PUT MY EARBUDS IN.)

Let me give you some more info. On this side of the cafe there are MANY tables, chairs, outlets, etc. The majority of which, are empty at this time. There also HAPPENS to be an outlet (that I’m currently using) to the left of the table I’m occupying. A young gentleman enters, looks at the plentiful choices he has to sit & plug himself in, so to speak. He decides to sit at the table directly to my right. He decides to take his lap top cord and OBNOXIOUSLY wrap it around my table, barricading me in. I kid you not. I am cornered between Snotty Mc. Snotterson and “this guy”. And when I say ‘barricade’ I mean that his Mac cord is up to my waist. 

Can I start screaming in a claustrophobic rage?! I might. I dare you. Walk in to this coffee shop right now and you will see seats a plenty. But there, in the corner, IS ME. Barricaded between these two. Full Americano. 

End scene. For now. 

i’m wide awake.

Actually, I’m exhausted as hell. But I’ve got the biggest smile on my heart. I don’t want to give all of the credit to the weather, although- I can promise you that even this little bit of extra vitamin d Minneapolis is certainly putting some pep in my step. (Quite literally. I’m so happy when I walk down a side walk without ice, salt or snow that it takes every bone in my body not to start dancing.)

I almost don’t know what to do with myself when I’m this optimistic. I’m extremely great at being cynical and bitter- to a point of entertainment. Strange as it is, I’m much more comfortable being that person. 

However, right now. I’m happy. So happy. I have so many exciting things coming up in my life. I’m busier than ever. But let me tell you, this kind of go-go-go is also contributing quite a bit to that pep I was referring to in my step. 

Life has never felt like such a big glass of awesome.

Sure, there are so many more things that I want to accomplish. But that doesn’t mean that I can’t celebrate where I’m at right now. That doesn’t mean that I can’t take this time & enjoy it. 

I had an amazing conversation with a very good friend of mine last night over some Alt on tap. As any great conversation- we covered many, many topics to the point of their exhaustion. But, in my opinion, the best take away was learning to let down your guard, stop judging people, sigh in your relief of that, and then stop judging yourself. We’re our hardest critics. We leave so much up to what others think of us or what we’re doing. It’s a constant. Down to the ever-so-popular wondering why he looked at me, or why he didn’t at all. 

Who the fuck cares?

Breathe in, breathe out. You have today, this moment.. It’s beautiful. DON’T take that away from yourself. Don’t let anyone take that away from you. And, don’t- for any reason at all take that away from anyone else. 

I don’t want to waste my time.

For the first time in a long time I’m not wondering what’s going to happen next. I’m here now. & I’m happy now. 

Alright, I’ll step off my soapbox. 

But, I’ll close with this. 

If you’re in my life right now- I love you. You’re beautiful. 

I can’t say ‘Thank You’ enough lately. 

Thank you.

a lot out of nothing.

well, it’s 2011. self-predicted as one of the best years of my life, however these first full days of it have either been spent at work, hung over, or trying to sleep off this horrific head cold. noting my previous post of reflection i’ve decided that i’m done reflecting. sure, it’s healthy to remember & hold on to things from time to time, but it’s equally as healthy- if not more, to let go of all past inhibitions & simply live for the future. it really does sound so simplistic. 

i think i like living in simplicity. people really like making a lot out of nothing. it’s only something if you want it. if you work for it. if you live for it. the more people & conversations that i have in my adult life i realize that it’s important to live each day graciously. we all tend to rush around, scramble our heads up in goals & deadlines. -i suppose we can blame that on our ‘where’s the follow-through?’ american culture. 

i find that most of the time my only real escape from the scramble is either love or memories. reflecting. & currently i don’t have a love. i don’t really have any real need for one, nor any prospects. & as i’ve stated above- i’d like to save my memories for a much more distant time in my life. i’d also like to start making more for that very time.. today. 

the weight of it all.

twenty ten is coming to a close. can you believe that? i can’t. whenever i think about it i get kind of disappointed because looking back at this year it nothing really stands out. i feel like i could have done more, said more, learned more, seen more. but then i found an old journal entry- a list that i wrote just last year when i lived in arizona. i took the list and compared what i wanted to what i have now. a year later. & twenty ten starts looking pretty bad ass. 
ANNA VERSION.2009: 

1. i want to live in a shitty apartment. 
2. i want to eat ice cream and watch movies that make me think.
3. i want to sleep in a hammock for a few nights.
4. i want to be able to walk to work. 
5. i want a jeep for road trips to see my momma. 
6. i want a collage of pictures on my wall. 
7. i want to burn insence everyday.
8. i want to quit smoking and learn how to cook. 
9. i want to get back into karate and advance from my red belt. 
10. i want to write so much more than term papers, lists, and plans. 
11. i want to eat healthier, but i still want as much popcorn as before. 
12. i want coffee as soon as i wake up. 
13. i want to drink all night at dive bar… including kareoke. 
14. i want the friends that keep me smiling, laughing, and grounded. 
15. i want to dance around in my underwear to my music on shuffle. 
16. i want to start painting again!
17. i want to finish school and work somewhere, anywhere i don’t care what the pay. i just want to be happy and comfortable there. 
18. i want to volunteer at a domestic violence shelter. 
19. i want to start going for a walk every day.
20. i want to leave the country. 
21. i want more confidence. 
22. i want to wake up and have you be there to smile at. whoever you are.

ANNA VERSION.2010:

(in no specific order) 

1. i absolutely worked myself to the core in the spring to prance across a stage in a cap & gown- snatching my Associates degree on the way. 
2. i flew back down to Arizona to steal my best friend & move her to this amazing city i now call home. 
3. i finally got over a lot of things & people from my past & was able to firmly accept them as history. 
4. i entered the world of vegetarianism. i like it here. 
5. i mastered the art of walking in heels. (okay- maybe not masted..)
6. i’m conversant in swahili & i cannot wait to travel to east africa. ninasoma kiswahili na mawasilano, mimi kusafiri afrika mashariki. 
7. it’s a work in progress- but i’m becoming really comfortable in my own skin & who i’m becoming. 
8. my amazing sister, Megan gave birth to my nephew, Wyatt ‘Stud Muffin’ Arthur Johnson was born this year. 
9. my niece, Stella ‘Light of my Life’ Mae Johnson turned two this year & now looks me in the face & says, “I wab you, Nons!” Melts my freaking heart every time. 
10. God answered my prayers & I stood in the summer sun giving a toast in front of family friends to my beautiful mother on the day she was married to man who adores her & is so happy. 
11. i hand wash dishes in my amazing vintage apartment with exposed brick & wood floors in the heart of uptown minneapolis.
12. when i’m having a bad day- i can always count on my best friend/best roomie in the world to be there with a pint of ben & jerry’s & a shoulder to cry on. 
13. i didn’t get to continue karate- but i started tae kwon do. now i have my red belt in karate & my green belt in tae kwon do. 
14. i realized it’s a whole different ball game developing feelings for someone as an adult.
15. i decided that i wanted to get my bachelors. then i got into the University of Minnesota. i declared my major of Communications Studies. i pinch myself every day i walk through that amazing campus & love every lecture i’ve ever attended. i don’t ever want it to end. i can’t believe i’m saying that.
16. i walk the few blocks to work at urban, & take the bus to school.
17. i still have Shanainai (my sunfire) but she got some new sneaks & is looking better than ever. 
18. i quit smoking!! & can cook a mean salmon filet. 
19. i’ve experienced & embraced rejection. 
20. i turned twenty one & love me some dive bars. i share 2 4 1’s of jameson with the boys. i take shots of tequila with the girls. i spend a lot of quality time with Surly tap specials. I did a mean “Drops of Jupiter” cover at karaoke night at Otter.
21. i joined a book club that is really freaking fantastical.  
22. I’ve met some BRILLIANT, beautiful, ambitious, people & am SO thankful for them. 
23. i’ve learned the art of bills, how it feels like to write out a rent check (how it feels to order actual checks), the system of student loans, the repercussions of credit cards. 
24. i felt & learned what the phrase “love at first sight” really means. 
25. coffee is never. ever. out. of. reach. 
26. i have collage of pictures above my bed.
27. i’ve seen some of the best shows of my life & met some of my most favorite artists. ever. (including greg laswell- twice.) 
28. i survived working 7am-3pm everyday during my summer vacation with mechanics & car salesmen. 
29. i spent an afternoon hanging in hammock exhibit at my favorite museum with my best friend. 
30. there WAS a point this year that i was running two miles everyday. yeah.. i gotta start that up again. 
31. i found a coffee house that is exactly what i’ve always wanted. i call it my second home. my very own cheers. 
32. i’m happy even when i’m sad. 

I guess looking back at 2010 it’s hard to notice anything really standing out because it’s sort of been a day by day thing. i think that’s what i love about it. i’ve grown up so much this year. i had no idea how much i had accomplished (to me these are accomplishments. to you they may be chop liver.) until i had read through that list. feels pretty freaking great. 

.. & don’t look back.

people can be hopelessly disappointing. we each have different standards, different variations of other standards, buttons to press, and quirks to suffice. in hindsight, it seems like each disappointment can be traced back to one choice. one moment in time that changed everything. down to the way you value their name when you see it on your phone or hear it in passing. 

you let someone in, you take the time, you think that you know them. 

flash-forward a few months after you meet and wham-o. just like that you’re sitting in the back seat of a cab, letting the wind of the open window hit your numb skin, shaking your head because you know that he. she. they. have fucked up. you’re so unbelievably mad because you know it was a mistake. you can almost hear your phone ringing all the way into the next day because they fucked up and they’re going to apologize. 

but sometimes you just have to shake it off and keep your eyes ahead, because you’ve turned yourself in to black and white. no room for grays. bite the bullet, swallow the lump in your throat, be a grown woman, man, or person and take care of yourself. trust in your gut and know that if it’s meant to be, it will be. 

breathe, breathe, breathe. repeat, repeat, repeat.

This school shit is really starting to freak me out. I knew that it would be a transition. I knew that it wasn’t going to be easy. I know that it’s what I SHOULD be doing. But, sometimes I just feel like I wasn’t meant for this life. The education system throws me for such a loop sometimes. It’s exhausting being here. It’s emotional. I feel like I could cry at any given moment because I’m so out of my element. 

Nothing against learning. I love learning. It’s the general system of the entire thing that blows me out of the water. It’s like a vortex- constantly sucking you further & further in. I think that the hardest thing for me to take is the fact that I didn’t have loans out before this. Loans are a huge effing deal. That’s a whole lotta dough. I just have two more years to get through. Two more years and I’m done. Fin. 

Two. More. Years.